Life: First world problem (lol)

The moon is high and shining in the dark night sky. It’s Chinese moon festival, Chinese people is celebrating this either truth or fairytale story with some BBQ and traditional Chinese snacks. But What am I celebrating ? 

Spending hours and days trying to study so hard. I got my two quizzes results back today and it was terrible. Both of them failed. When i was taking the quizzes, I was so confident that I can get at least 75%. But then..I got 45% and 30%. Is this what education is trying to train you ? When you fail, it’s like a thundering lighting shock into your blood stream. You either die or survive. I’m pulling myself up so hard that I can easily fall from any stepping stone. I lose my balance, I lose my ability to walk. How can anyone start studying again after this shocking murder news. 

Can you survive when you lose your identity ? When you have nothing, you are literally powerless, you can’t be count as part of anything. Suddenly, you are like just fallen leaf that drop down so weightlessly. No one here to pick you up, no one here to put you back. But you will disappear and decompose yourself in this world. 

What’s my position when I realise I’m fighting an losing battle with people who gets scholarship, who gets HD and D on their result, people who get perfect scores on their paper. There are people so intelligent with management, innovation, and organised everything so well. In this small market when you trying to get in with everyone else in the university. How can you fit in ? The door is close before you even start thinking about it. And the door is closed. Do we open a new door, create a new door, create a new market for ourself to survive ? What do we do ? Where do we stand ? 

If people said cinema is a way of escapism, but how about art and music ? Sometime I think all  these are all part of the escapism. I want to get out of the real world, so I do music, so I do art, so I do film ? Can that be truth, can that be real ? What is so scary about the real world, the reality that I don’t want to be part of it, the ugly identity I refused to be one of them. But why ? Because I have always been at the bottom line and trying to climb up the dark thin ladder create by the society. This ladder, will never let us get to the top. It’s a decoy created to making this thing called HOPE, so one day we can all be rich and live in a fantasy land. 

Anyways, so I was really down after I  got my two quizzes result back. I decided to skip my afternoon class and catch up with my friend. We started to drink beer in the afternoon, a bit early but I think i need it for today, specially today. After last week that I found out I couldn’t gradate with the high degree that I have always wanted to.. and now this. It’s been a really big kick to wake myself up into the reality. I tried and I failed, so I tried and I failed again. And now, I have to keep trying and keep failing until one day I can create my own parachute to get out of this system. 


Zombie-like human being

This is week 5 of the university already. Time goes so fast and the amount of reading I did was just unreal. Those reading I did, could usually takes me years to complete. Like I have been reading Cory Taylor’s book for years…and I still haven’t finish them. I think I been trying pretty hard and sometime even over-stress myself with it. But it is still not good enough. Sometime I really curious how other people can get such perfect scour and understand everything little thing from the course reading. For me, it is hard to make my brain to think one thing at the time only. Maybe that’s why I can’t get a better grade even if I try. I like my brain to split into some many directions and think about some many things. This part of exercise has developed me unable to focus on just one thing. Is this bad ? Is this normal ? Is this just part of being human ?

Maybe that’s why I like film, music and art. Some people says cinema is a type of escapism of the society.

So this morning, I walked into the BESS ( Business and Economic Student Service) to get a advise from them about my degree. I made an appointment just about two weeks ago. However I was having trouble with printer and couldn’t figure it out how to use the machine in the library. So i was running around for like 30min and still can’t print out the documents. So I went back there and they not only didn’t want to help me print it out but said “oh you are 30min late, you missed your appointment.” so I said, “I was here on time but you guys send me to the library and insists that I have to have the documents.” The documents is all in my laptop..but they want print out paper..which is really inefficient. How can you call yourself a most modern university, Mr. Macquarie University. Anyways, I learned my lesson and I did print out all the documents today. The adviser not only not being helpful, but treated me like i’m a total retarded idiot. All she wants is for me to leave and through the question to other people to solve my problem. She simply analysed down the subjects I did on the paper and told me I need another 5 subjects to graduate. However, because my GPA is not high enough, I can’t get into Bachelor of Marketing and Media. But I did all the subjects basic on Marketing and Media degree. So this gives me a problem that one of the subject I wasn’t suppose to be able to take it but they let me. So now I don’t even know whether I will be grade with Bachelor of Marketing and Media or just Bachelor of Art- Marketing and Media communication. This is really complicate…

Seriously..GPA 3.5….how did other students did’s such high requirement ! no wonder all my classmates are all ridiculously smart and know what they are doing.

Anyways, my point is …how sad the humanity can so simply can judge a person so quickly by their look, race, grade on the grade book, the way they talk, the way they respond. Sometime you wish someone whom is a Human resource or adviser position will be very professional that does not judge their ‘client’ so easily when they walk in. But slowly and patently guide them and solve their problem. Sadly I didn’t get a good mature adviser today. But the type of adviser just try live through the day everyday and do nothing at work. They know how to pleases their boss, they know how to pretend to do a good job in their position. That’s why they got the job which is totally not suppose to. They ruin people’s life by not giving enough or right support to solve the problem or situation.

Same thing happen last Sunday at work when i went into the female manager’s office. Not only does she wants to listen to my problem but just want to kick me out of the office and gave ma a very unhelpful answer as her ‘response’ to my problem.

I just hope I will not turn into any of those type of useless zombie-like human being. Psychology is good, but human is such a big mystery that can not be simply describe by words. We are have sides that public can’t see or understand. It is the secret sides makes us who we are and identify who we are in the world. We survival and making living throughout those secret sides of us. That’s when you get to know someone, that’s when you really know someone; is to discover their secret side of ‘personality’ and ‘identity’. So don’t judge a person so quickly, zombie-like human being !

In the way Im also just judged the adviser and my female manager…lol