The moon is high and shining in the dark night sky. It’s Chinese moon festival, Chinese people is celebrating this either truth or fairytale story with some BBQ and traditional Chinese snacks. But What am I celebrating ?
Spending hours and days trying to study so hard. I got my two quizzes results back today and it was terrible. Both of them failed. When i was taking the quizzes, I was so confident that I can get at least 75%. But then..I got 45% and 30%. Is this what education is trying to train you ? When you fail, it’s like a thundering lighting shock into your blood stream. You either die or survive. I’m pulling myself up so hard that I can easily fall from any stepping stone. I lose my balance, I lose my ability to walk. How can anyone start studying again after this shocking murder news.
Can you survive when you lose your identity ? When you have nothing, you are literally powerless, you can’t be count as part of anything. Suddenly, you are like just fallen leaf that drop down so weightlessly. No one here to pick you up, no one here to put you back. But you will disappear and decompose yourself in this world.
What’s my position when I realise I’m fighting an losing battle with people who gets scholarship, who gets HD and D on their result, people who get perfect scores on their paper. There are people so intelligent with management, innovation, and organised everything so well. In this small market when you trying to get in with everyone else in the university. How can you fit in ? The door is close before you even start thinking about it. And the door is closed. Do we open a new door, create a new door, create a new market for ourself to survive ? What do we do ? Where do we stand ?
If people said cinema is a way of escapism, but how about art and music ? Sometime I think all these are all part of the escapism. I want to get out of the real world, so I do music, so I do art, so I do film ? Can that be truth, can that be real ? What is so scary about the real world, the reality that I don’t want to be part of it, the ugly identity I refused to be one of them. But why ? Because I have always been at the bottom line and trying to climb up the dark thin ladder create by the society. This ladder, will never let us get to the top. It’s a decoy created to making this thing called HOPE, so one day we can all be rich and live in a fantasy land.
Anyways, so I was really down after I got my two quizzes result back. I decided to skip my afternoon class and catch up with my friend. We started to drink beer in the afternoon, a bit early but I think i need it for today, specially today. After last week that I found out I couldn’t gradate with the high degree that I have always wanted to.. and now this. It’s been a really big kick to wake myself up into the reality. I tried and I failed, so I tried and I failed again. And now, I have to keep trying and keep failing until one day I can create my own parachute to get out of this system.